Wow, has it really been this long since my last post? Yikes. Sorry about that, and thanks to everyone who emailed me to complain about it. It's nice to feel loved.
Well, a lot has happened since then. Yes, my computer is still dead, despite sending it back to HP for repairs. But I've gotten along without it, somehow. Oh, yeah, and I'm back in the states.
WHAT?!?! Did she say she's back in the states?? Yep. Yep, I did. Allow me to explain.
I'm not done with Israel yet, by any means. I probably never will be. I've formed a bond with that country that is difficult to explain, but to which I'm sure many can relate. In a more immediate sense, I plan on going back in May, at least until the end of the summer if all goes well. I came home because everybody needs a break, and I know people see this year as having been a break in itself, which is true in some senses, but not in others. Yes, it was a break from the rigamarole of society, the constant academic stress, the emphasis on success and achievement that followed me everywhere for so many years. A break from grades and GPA and honors and resumes and interviews and internships and all of life is focused on your career mentality. It was a break from being forced to involve myself in things that were not truly me, and a break from norms that never felt quite right. And in many senses, I still need that break, and am still on it, regardless of my geographical location.
But much as I have been taking that type of break for many months now, in other ways, I have been doing entirely the opposite. I feel like I am finally involved in my real life, rather than waiting around to begin it. I feel like I have spent the past several months really thinking, really finding myself, really involving myself in situations and conversations and activities and classes that make me feel real, make me feel like I am finding the true self that has been hidden for so long. And that's as far from a break as you can get. So I think I needed to come home because while that has been an exhilarating process, and one that of course is not finished yet and hopefully never will be, it can also get exhausting. While I managed to escape the pressures of Western society for a time, I found myself mired in a new type of pressure, an internal one that required me to try and find the best within me, and achieve that at all times. That's a good thing, but it can get tiring. Sometimes a girl just needs to sit on a couch with her family and watch a TV show (without analyzing whether the characters realize how empty and mundane their relationships are, and then laughing at how we turn everything into a deep discussion now. Ah, I miss Sem...:)).
Of course, now that I'm back, it's a pretty odd feeling. The culture shock has been interesting, to say the least. (Wikipedia: "Reverse Culture Shock (a.k.a. Re-entry Shock) - Returning to one's home culture after growing accustomed to a new one can produce the same effects as described above, which an affected person often finds more surprising and difficult to deal with as the original culture shock." So true.) People keep asking me what the main differences are between here and there. I think in general, the biggest difference has been the general higher consciousness people have, or at least choose to share with others. Back in Har Nof, which is a religious community that certainly doesn't represent all of Israel by any means, people always had deep things to say, talk about, and ponder. Life was about meaning, purpose, values. It wasn't a paradise or anything, and it's not like everyone there is a good person or a genius or something, I just mean that because of the religious sensibility, there was a palpable feeling that there is something more going on, something we all need to seek out. There was an understanding between people that each of us is on a journey, and are searching out our true selves, and our higher goals in life. Har Nof also happens to have several ba'al tshuva yeshivas and seminaries in it, so the town is like a religious college town, if you will. Families there are used to having students over for shabbat, and I of course spent months living with girls just like me, who were on the greatest "break" of their lives. So coming back to the states, and realizing that conversation here mostly revolves around Obama, the economy, and the latest Daily Show segment was a bit jarring. I don't think the people are any less deep or intelligent or thoughtful. It's just a cultural difference, a difference in what's expected out of casual conversation, and one that I hadn't considered. for example, I'll be sitting and talking with friends about what I've been up to, and while my mind is racing with spirituality and intensity and beauty, I keep having to respond to questions about how Israel is responding to the economic crisis. I don't mean to sound belittling by any means: of course the economy is an important topic, one that needs to be discussed and understood. And for people who have not spent the past several months delving into the topics I have been, there is no reason why they would be considering the same ideas. It's just different, that's all. Also, I can't bring up G-d around here. I never realized how taboo He is in this country, at least in the circles I am part of...which is kind of ironic I suppose. Or maybe not. Anyway, I feel like mentioning anything religious automatically labels me as some sort of crazed brainwashed fanatic or something, whereas in Israel, even in totally secular society, it's normal to consider these things, and find them inspiring and meaningful. Yes, there is a divide between religious and secular, but in general people are less afraid to believe in something, even if it's not the same exact thing. And so much of this is politics, anyway, which I've been thankfully avoiding for so long. So I'm a bit of a loner in that department as well.
Since I've been home, I've been in Chicago mostly, visiting Ezra. It's really nice to see him again, spend time with him. We've just been hanging out, making dinners, reading books together, learning a bit, talking a lot. We've been learning the Haggadah together in preparation for Pesach, and it's really cool to learn about all the stuff I've always taken for granted in there, like the weird passages about rabbis learning all night. It finally is starting to make some sense, which is cool. I also go to his office with him most days, where I can get a lot of work done (I still have that part time job with the SEO text writing. Pretty boring, but makes for good pocket money at least). We came back to NY unexpectedly last week because Ezra's grandmother passed away unfortunately, so I met up with a couple of friends, and also surprised my Dad. I hadn't told him I was coming home, basically because I knew how happy he would be to see me, and I really wanted to make that moment amazing. We had a really nice time, and I saw Cindy and Keri as well, which was great.
I'll be back in NYC on April 2nd, and I'll be there over Pesach, after which I'll be in Maryland for about a week, and then in Boston for a weekend, and then I guess back to Brooklyn for a while. I'm pretty excited to cook and clean for Pesach. I know that sounds silly, but it makes me feel more adult to be able to take care of those kinds of things. I learned a lot living in Israel, not least of which being how to be much more independent than ever before. You'd think four years of college would do the trick, but take-out food, movies on demand, and high speed internet leave you a lot more dependent than you realize. In Israel I actually cooked dinner every night, I had to occupy myself with things other than TV and internet for the most part, and I learned to be a real person. It was nice. And I guess I'm just excited to use those skills back home. As for my plans now...I guess I just want to figure out what's next. I've already sent out a few job applications and resumes to a couple of elementary schools in Brooklyn (I'm back on an education kick now. Where will she end up next?) and I'll be looking into masters programs soon as well. I want to work for a few months at least before I decide what degree to get, but I'm leaning towards education (maybe Jewish) and social work. Maybe counseling. We'll see what happens.
I realized I never wrote about Purim on here. I sent out an email to some people about it, but not about what the actual day was like. Basically, it was incredible. EVERYONE dresses up. And while in some parts of Israel it ends up being a bit more like Halloween in terms of the debauchery and excuse to wear the sluttiest outfit imaginable, in others, it's much better than that. Sure, people get drunk, run amok, act a bit crazy. But the difference is in the underlying meaning of it I guess - people realize there's a reason for it all. Also, everyone is walking around all day visiting each other with Mishloach Manot (gifts, food, candy), which also looks a lot like Halloween, but instead of going door to door to take treats, people are giving to one another. I really liked that. It just felt great to have a whole day about giving, and it was also hilarious to see all the crazy costumes. I took some cute pics of kids dressed up, but my camera chord is being weird right now. I'll try to post things to facebook. Also, I ended up dressing up as 5 different things this year: a burglar, a blueberry, a blessing in disguise, a rainbow, and Baby Spice. Adar was basically incredible, full of happiness and fun. I've never really felt that here in the states, and while Purim is always a good time, its a whole different ball game over there. The whole month is one big party, and not the kind you want to leave early from.
Anyway, I've typed a lot, and while I have more to say, I think I need to go start getting ready for Shabbat. Ez and I are going to spend it at by a Rabbi whose family Ez has gotten pretty close with lately, so I'm excited for that. I'll write more soon, as I have a lot on my mind. All in all, it's great to be back, and I can't wait to see everyone, catch up, and prove to you all that I haven't gone crazy. :)
Shabbat Shalom!
Love, Shira
