Sunday, November 23, 2008

Judge. Judge. Judge. Juuddggge. Say it a bunch of times out loud, it sounds funny.

There are two parts to this post, neither one having anything even remotely to do with the other. Just so you know.

Part I: Juuuudddggggge.

Every now and then, I am reminded of the danger of prejudging and assumption, and that you never really know a person, until you really know them. You know, the whole “don’t judge a book by its cover” thing that we’re told when we’re little, but never really pay attention to in general practice? (I base all book purchases on covers, obviously. I like to keep marketers and graphic designers employed.) In terms of meeting new people, I’ve made this mistake many times, in varying directions and extremes. I’ve met some who, at first sight and upon first, second, and even third conversation, seemed to be the most wonderful, insightful, relatable personalities. I dubbed them soul mates, planned our future friendships and family vacations together, and started spilling my soul to them, only to find out a few days or months later that we don’t exactly mesh. (Then comes the awkward “drifting” period.) Then there are others who I’ve truly disliked at first, based on who knows what, only to find a little while later that in fact, we could get along famously. (I really wanted to use the phrase “get along famously.” Thanks for going with it.) And it’s not just in terms of likeability that this occurs. I’ve misjudged peoples’ intelligence, worldliness, experience, emotional maturity, integrity, intentions...among other things. I’ve given too much credit, as well as not given enough, and every time I am proven wrong, I give myself a small proverbial kick in the shin, and try to remember not to do it again. So that’s what happened over Shabbat.

We had a school-wide Shabbaton, which means we all got on a coach bus, drove an hour or so to Ramat Beit Shemesh (a pretty town near Jerusalem,) stayed in various people’s homes, and ate meals together at the mansion of a particularly giving family. Since we were staying in separate places scattered around the town, we were all buddied up with girls from school, and I happened to be paired with someone who I did not know very well, but who I had certainly already made my impressions of. We’ll call her Sarah. Sarah has been here for a couple of years already, and she is 28 (she looks 23). My impression of her up to this point has been that she’s one of those highly spiritual people, who sees G-d in everything (to the point where it gets annoying,) and is nice and giving to everyone, to the point where you start disliking her and doubting her motivations because it forces you to think about why you’re not that nice. She always speaks in a sweet voice, she always smiles, and she always is the first to volunteer to help out, much to everyone’s chagrin (+1 point for “chagrin”). She currently teaches kindergarten and takes classes here. Basically, a very sweet, good person, but not really the type I’d get along with so much, simply because while I like to be a nice person, I also have my cynical bent, and I guess I just see people like that as almost too good – there must be something under the surface, something they’re hiding. I know, it’s sad that I can’t just take people at face value and appreciate the pure goodness within them, but I’m just being honest, I can’t help doubting. More than that though, I pegged her for a non-intellectual. She had to be one of those people who found G-d, felt better about life, and accepted His existence without questioning. She was even heavily involved with Chabad for a while, which to me represents the ultimate “get into it without really thinking” route. (I don’t dislike Chabad, I just don’t think it’s for me. I like good food and nice people, but I also like rigorous intellectual investigation, which they’re not as into. To each his own.) She probably had some kind of a troubled past, was invited to a yummy Shabbat meal, had lots of people being nice to her, and decided to leave her previous life behind, for brighter horizons. Good for her, she seems happy, and may she continue to be. But not someone I’d relate to so much.

So you can imagine, when we got paired up for the shabbaton, I wasn’t exactly thrilled. I knew I’d be spending the night with her, as well as lunch the next day at a random family’s home, and we’d probably end up with a lot of down-time to chat. Incidentally, I am in the middle of reading The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins (an interesting read, I’d love to discuss it with anyone else who’s read it,) and I knew that might spark some contention, maybe even offend her or something, which I did not want to do. But it’s not like I’m going to not read something just because I’m sharing a room with someone who clearly never stopped to think about whether any of this is true. In fact, I wanted her to see me reading it. Maybe it would make her think or something. (It’s funny how I work so hard on myself here, learning about humility and never thinking yourself better or more knowledgeable than others, and there I was doing the exact opposite. Kick, kick, kick.)

As you’ve probably guessed by now, I was entirely wrong. Not only had Sarah gone through a rigorous intellectual search and process, she went above and beyond most people in that respect. For instance, when she read Lawrence Keleman’s books, Permission to Believe and Permission to Receive, (two rational approaches to the possibility of G-d’s existence and the Sinai tradition, based on his graduate studies when he was entirely anti-religion, and which he teaches around the world and at all the Ivy universities,) she decided completely on her own to write up a 70-page paper challenging every last one of his points, simply to gain access to him and to start a dialogue with him. She ended up disproving a few of his points, which I found fascinating, since he is one of the most intelligent people I’ve met and definitely has his head on straight. She’s extremely well-read, has met with scholars on every side of the issues, and never stops thinking and questioning. Not only is she a thinker, she’s also quite worldly when it comes to Judaism. She’s spent time in all different circles and communities and lifestyles: she grew up in a basically atheist home, so she had been exposed to that for several years already as well as intellectually explored it more recently. She’s lived in a Conservative community in Florida, the Modern-Orthodox Upper West Side of Manhattan, the Chabadnik Crown Heights of Brooklyn, the secular Israeli circles, and here in Har Nof, the more religious side of things. She’s studied in three different Seminaries, with different approaches to learning and Judaism. She’s had a corner office in New York City and a cramped dorm room in Jerusalem. She went to four different universities over the course of five years (studied abroad in Germany for one of them). She’s had a non-Jewish boyfriend, a Jewish boyfriend who disrespected her, and a boyfriend who proposed to her who she had to turn down because she could tell he loved how he felt around her rather than who she was inside. Turns out she was right.

Point is, when it comes to religion, the girl is experienced, and smart, and learned, and all the rest. Yes, she is spiritual, she connects to Judaism in that way today, and it makes her happy. That doesn’t mean she’s stopped thinking or questioning. She’s just not as angry and confused as she once was, she’s more thankful for what she has and focused on giving to others, and that shows in her demeanor. She can say “thank G-d” without a hint of cynicism or apology, (something I can’t do yet, at least not all the time,) and she’s happy. She teaches kindergarten because she loves children, and it makes her feel fulfilled. She helps others because it truly makes her happy. She’s not self-righteous, and she’s not a religious robot, and she’s not hiding some dark secret or insecurity, at least not as far as I can tell. She still questions and learns and explores; she just exudes confidence and self-awareness now as she does so, which I perhaps mistook for unquestioned spirituality. For now, she’s at peace with her experiences and what they mean to her on an internal level. She’s spent more time than I have exploring her questions, and there I was, thinking she was just some ignorant opiate of the masses types. I was quite wrong, and she ended up teaching me things and making me think about things I hadn’t considered. I still don’t think our personalities match up so well, but I have a lot more respect for her now that I know where she’s coming from.

I think that in any area, whether it be religion or science or politics or anything else, it’s dangerous to assume anyone knows any less than you do. In the end, they’ll probably teach you a thing or two, and besides, it’s never good to get comfortable up on that high horse – you’re bound to fall off sooner or later. I hope others don’t end up judging me the way I’ve judged her and people like her. I’m doing my own rigorous intellectual and spiritual search right now, and I definitely want my future friends and family to know that and acknowledge it, rather than assume I’ve concluded things based on nice people and yummy meals. But I can’t expect that from others if I myself am guilty of the same kind of typecasting and assumptions I’m trying to avoid.


Part II: Wooly Mammoths.

Ezra just sent me a really interesting NY Times article about the possibility of resurrecting wooly mammoths from DNA they have in hair samples. Anyone who knows me, which is probably anyone reading this blog, knows that I’m extremely interested in bioethics, and this definitely falls in that category. So I have some thoughts on the issue, and I’d love to hear what others think. (Sorry Ez, this will be repetitive for you.)

Since this is probably not something that will happen anytime in the near future according to most of the people quoted in the article, (much as the Science section likes to sensationalize things,) it’s more of a philosophical thought experiment than anything else. So just know that when I talk about it, I recognize this is all in hypothetical terms.

This “resurrection” could occur in one of two ways: A) They somehow recreate a perfect wooly mammoth, exactly as they used to exist, or B) they create a very close approximation of a wooly mammoth, using elephants as a base (this one seems more likely, according to the article). In the case of A, you could argue that it would have the scientific value of giving us the ability to study a real live wooly mammoth, which has merit, since all increased knowledge is good. That argument might not hold, though, since if you create an animal outside of its natural environment and habitat, its biology will probably end up being affected anyway. Still, it would be pretty close. But you’re left with a problem of possible unnecessary animal cruelty. You’re creating this being with no mates, no natural habitat to return to, nothing. It would be entirely bound to a zoo or a lab, and is entirely for our curiosity rather than for any greater good. I’m not against using animals for human benefit; I wear leather shoes, and I am a happy omnivore. Still, if the only reason we want to recreate a wooly mammoth is because we think it would be cool, I feel like that’s a bit too far. If there is some therapeutic benefit to be had, like maybe they think something in their bones could cure Cancer or something, then I’d probably be much more in favor. But I doubt that’s the underlying motivation.

In the case of B, the less-than-perfect approximation of the wooly mammoth, there is even less of an argument for it. We wouldn’t even have a real wooly mammoth, just a Frankenstein version we come up with in a lab after several successive attempts, and that comes from an elephant, which is the evolutionary descendent. Maybe we’ll learn more about cloning, but we certainly won’t learn much about the original wooly mammoth, or not more than we already know from our frozen specimens.

Also, if they have some hopes of restarting the species somehow, and getting them to reproduce, (which has not yet been achieved in cloned animals, btw,) I think that’s something to worry about as well. Messing with ecosystems, either through eradication or introduction of species, is a very dangerous route to go down, in my opinion, and based on history. (If you kill all the wolves, there will be too many deer and they’ll all starve. If you bring in cats to eat the rats, there will be too many cats and they’ll take over your country [coughIsraelcough]. If you insert wooly mammoths into the tundra, or wherever they live, who knows what effects there will be on the existing animal/plant populations. Same idea.)

I think the main thing to think about is a cost/benefit analysis. What is the cost of this endeavor (in terms of money, resources, effects on the ecosystem, and animal cruelty,) vs. the potential benefits (better understanding of wooly mammoths (maybe), honing our cloning skills (a potentially extremely beneficial outcome, btw, since it relates to stem cell research, though only peripherally in this case,) feeling really good about our G-d-like abilities)? Aren’t there other things we should be giving our research money and resources to, as it says in the article: “...although making zoos better did not outrank fixing the energy crisis on his priority list.” Energy crisis, sure, as well as curing Cancer/AIDS, poverty, education, etc. etc. etc. Unless they have something up their sleeves about wooly mammoths solving some current world crisis, I’m not sure that’s where I would want my money going. I’m against banning research, so it’s not like I think there should be a law against it, I just think it might be a waste, and could cause unnecessary suffering to the animal or environment.

The article then goes into the possibility of “resurrecting” Neanderthals. I’m not touching that one with a 10-foot pole. Freaky stuff, though. Especially since it would probably be born from a chimp. Ha. How’s that for the ultimate regression?

So, those are my thoughts. I’m no expert, though I did study a bit on cloning and animal testing in my bioethics classes, which is what I’m basing these ideas on. I’m curious to hear others’ opinions.

To tie this all together: 1. Don’t judge a wooly mammoth by its ecological timing. 2. Don’t clone a preconceived notion. 3. Pre-man used to have a great big eyebrow ridge, though if you recreate him today, he’ll probably run out and get plastic surgery.


In other news: my mom is coming tonight! Yay! Also, Ezra is coming in December! Yay! I love visitors. : )

Also, if I don’t write again by then, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! (We’re doing it on Tuesday here, because it’s a half day at school so we’ll have more time to cook. Very exciting. And thankfully I’ll have my mom here so I won’t feel quite as far away from home.)

Also Also, I’m in a really good mood today. Saweeeet.

Love, Shira

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Witty Blog Titles Are Hard to Come By.

Life is going on as usual lately, and I've been feeling pretty good here in the holy land. I've been writing a ton of emails (more on that soon,) watching lots of downloaded TV (Entourage, Scrubs, and Coupling, mainly,) reading lots of books (currently in the middle of a fascinating one about the logic and nature of machloket (argument) in the Talmud, as well as a scientific one on the origins of the universe,) and of course, learning learning learning. The weather is slowly getting colder but fortunately it's been pretty sunny out most days, so I don't mind the cold so much, as long as it's not wet (famous last words). My daily life here is pretty routine; wake up at around 7:30, shower, go to class, eat lunch, go to more class, go online for a while, come home, eat dinner, watch TV with friends or learn/read some more alone or with others, do some work (yay job,) and fall asleep. That's Sunday-Thursday, except Tuesdays, when we have time off in the afternoons to go on trips and things. Fridays, I wake up whenever, go food shopping, lounge around, clean up the apartment, and get ready for Shabbat. Shabbat....mmmm sleep, eat, play games, learn, read, hang out, good times. Best day of the week, every week. Not sure how I ever survived without it. So that's pretty much my schedule. I go out to town sometimes, but mostly I hang out here. It's a pretty quiet life. I like it that way. Not too much distraction, no stress, no fakeness, just calm. (Not always, but most of the time.) I know the "real world" when I get home won't be this way, but it's nice to have for the time being. I'm definitely not taking my time here for granted. Also, my mom is coming to visit next week, (so excited!) so that'll be a nice break in the routine.

I often have random thoughts throughout the day and week, and I file them into someplace in my brain marked "blog," and then I wait until I feel like writing it all down. So, here are some of those random thoughts, in no particular order:

Brain-Power:

I was thinking about how we only use some incredibly miniscule percentage of our brain power, and the implications of that. I remember my Dad telling me that at some point, and then learning it in my Neuroscience classes in college, and now I've been reading some more on it because I find it so fascinating...I guess it's in my blood. Much as we know about the brain, there's a lot more we don't know, and much as we use our minds in our daily activities, there's a lot more we don't use, either through lack of effort or ability or capability or possibility. I find that fascinating. I mean, to think of all that potential we have stored up inside our minds, the vast majority of which we never even attempt (or know how)to tap into. Every now and then you come across some genius (unfortunately, usually they come with a few emotional/psychological issues, I did a whole paper on this subject a few months ago,) who uses some part of their brain that no one else does, and you are reminded of how much we just don't understand. A few hundred years ago, in the times of the great Yeshivas and courts in Israel, students weren't even allowed to set foot inside one of the top schools without first having memorized all of Tanach and Sha"s (meaning, the 5 books of the Torah, the prophets, the writings, and the entirety of the Talmud, with Rashi's commentary. Basically, a lot). They would test the students before giving them entrance by starting a random line from anywhere, and making them finish the line by heart, give the context and speaker, and then finish out the rest of the story/argument/idea that the quote was taken from. And that was just to get in. It's as if the prerequisite for getting into medical school was knowing every medical textbook by heart, as well as their applications and sources. How crazy is that? These were regular people, flesh and blood, who spent so much time honing their minds, that they reached what today would seem like superhuman memory levels. I have a hard time studying for a couple of finals in college, when really, given enough of a workout and enough time and practice, my brain could hold all the information needed to take everyone's tests at Penn, all year long.

There's a concept that each generation grows in knowledge, because each one is building on the one that came before it. So although today, you would be hard-pressed to find someone who has successfully memorized every single text, (though there are still a few of them in Orthodox circles,) instead, you would find many more people aware of many more concepts and writings written over the past few hundred years. This is true in secular circles as well – maybe we don't have a Leonardo da Vinci in our midst (we probably do, actually,) but we certainly have many more literate and aware members of society than in his time. As the amount of available information increases, the number of people with access to it increases as well, and the amount of general knowledge thus increases when you add everyone together. So maybe not as many individual people are using as much as their memory potentials anymore, (for several reasons I'm sure,) but instead we've gained a higher collective consciousness, which, due to the information age, we are able to share and distribute relatively easily. It's like the difference between having a couple of super-computers, and having thousands of pretty-good computers, linked up and working together. We're using a higher percentage of our collective brain-power, if you will, which is comforting. It may even be better that way, since the knowledge of crowds is usually more sound than that of individuals. Anyway, I still think its amazing to consider the potential each of us has inside our minds, most of which we don't even know about yet. In any subject, each of us can become an encyclopedia of information if we choose to. Obviously we all have our lives to tend to, jobs, family, interacting with other people (which is the whole point of learning anything anyway, to become better at those practical things,) but I think that's all part of it. If a guy can cram tens of thousands of words into his memory, including the deeper meanings and applications of those words, then surely any one of us can use that same brain power toward any endeavor or pursuit we want. I think that recognizing that we have more potential than we ever dreamed of is important in trying to reach great heights; once we know that there are no limits, there is never a reason to stop moving forward.


 

Reconnecting:

Last week, I was contacted by several different people from my past. I mean people I haven't spoken to in months, or years. I'm not sure why it was all at once like that, (maybe something to do with my last blog post,) but since I'm taking time right now to try and learn from everything that happens to me, even the seeming coincidences, I haven't let this one pass me by without some thought. It started with a facebook message. Then another. Then an email. Then another. Then a phone call. It just kept adding up, people who used to be close friends, people who have caused me pain, people who I've loved, people who I met randomly on a train (no joke). I ended up with no fewer than eight different conversations (some longer than others) with people who barely know me today, but who used to know me well. Everyone had different things to say, different things going on, different questions or issues or nice things to say. As a result, I spent a ton of time writing emails and messages, reconnecting. It was a good feeling, I must admit, to know that I haven't been forgotten by those who have affected me in my life. It's nice to look back at where I've been, and speak to those who knew me best at different times. At the same time, it was a bit disconcerting as well. Some people we drift from because of circumstance and distance, and those we are always happy to hear from and catch up with; others, we choose to push away for a while for our own self-preservation, or they have done so to us, and we just have to deal with that reality. I'm very big on communication, but I also know that there are certain times in life when you just have to know when to protect yourself from a damaging situation or relationship. But then time goes by, and you get nostalgic, and you start wondering if maybe you overreacted, and you give it another shot. Either it blows up in your face and you put your walls right back up again, or you reconcile and move on with a new/old friend. It's hard to know. So I've had some of that mixed in as well, and while I have been trying my best to be honest with myself about what my needs are, it's hard to hold back from connecting. It's just a human urge, to be close to anyone who wants to be close to you. It's hard to resist that temptation to just trust everyone, be everyone's best friend – especially for someone like me, who can write mile-long emails in about 5 minutes. So, here's what I'm taking from this week of people contacting me: I'm determining which people who should and will be part of my life forever, and, I'm figuring out which characteristics make someone a true friend, whether we speak every day or every other year. If we are meant to learn something from everything and everyone, then certainly I can do so from those who have been such a large part of who I am, whether they are friends, acquaintances, or even those I don't speak to at all.


 

Facebook Family Frenzy:

My entire family just joined facebook. Seriously, all my cousins just decided that now would be a good time to get on there (or maybe they've been on for a while, but only just started friending me). Up until now, I have refused to accept friend requests from my Dad, who has been online for a few months, because I needed to keep my social life private for whatever reason. But now that everyone's on there, it's pretty much unavoidable. So I friended him, and my Aunt, and my cousins. I am now "friends" with my family. And I made a group for them: I called it "Bender Family e-Brunch" (in honor of the famous brunches my grandparents used to host, as well as those my family continues to have for every simcha,) and I invited everyone and posted pictures. At first, I was nervous about everyone being on facebook; it was like two separate worlds coming together in a strange way. Facebook was for me and my college friends, not my parents and cousins. It was for pictures of nights out at bars and parties, not pictures of bar mitzvahs and from family albums. But now that I've started this group, and I'm seeing all my cousins' profile pictures and smiling faces, I feel quite differently about it. We have this incredible tool for connecting, so we may as well use it for more than birthday reminders and picture-tagging. Why not use it to connect to those we should probably be much closer with than those random girls we met at a party? There's no reason some college kids should know more about me (at least online-me) than my own family. So now, I welcome this change. I'd rather be facebook friends with my relatives than people I barely know.


 

Job paths/priorities:

Here in Israel, jobs and career-paths work differently from in the US. More people have a bunch of different jobs, rather than a single career path. It's the result of a different culture, and a different set of circumstances, goals, and financial difficulties they face here. For instance, I had dinner by a family in which the mother is a teacher, a physical therapist, a writer, and a counselor (and mother of two babies). And she always manages to be with her young children. This isn't at all out of the ordinary here. I asked her how she manages it, and she said, it's hard here, you have to do a lot to get by. And it's true, living in this country is not easy. It's not like America where abundance and consumerism is the name of the game; homes are often much simpler, not nearly as much clutter and extra "stuff" lying around, much more of a focus on necessities and basics. But on top of that, she added that she has a different focus here than she did back in America. Growing up, she was on that college, grad school, career for the rest of your life-path. She knew she had to get a degree in something in order to get a job in that area, then build herself up in that job, and eventually make a lot of money, so she could provide for her family and be happy. But then she got here, and her focus shifted. Her first priority became being with her family, and letting the money come in in whatever odd ways it needed to, as long as it didn't interfere with her family's quality time together. She got a job here, a job there, took a course here and there to build up her skills in different areas, as did her husband. She is by no means wealthy, but her family lives comfortably and happily, with no need for more luxury or extras. And of course, she never gets bored. (I also know another woman who is the head veterinarian at the Jerusalem zoo, who always manages (and managed, even when she was first starting out,) to be home by the time her children get home from school at around 2:30 in the afternoon. Now that's skill.)

There's something alluring in this lifestyle to me. In this modern age, most people end up switching careers once or twice in their lifetimes anyway, and I think that's what I'll end up doing as well. But in the meantime, I feel better not having to focus on the one specific thing I might end up doing. Instead, I can focus on what the end-goal is (a happy and healthy family,) and then let the rest follow from there. Who cares if I don't end up the CEO or the head of the organization or head of the department? As long as I'm doing things I love, and have the right amount of time and money to devote to my family, I'll be happy. I've always been the type to be interested in way too many things at once – I couldn't settle on a major, and I couldn't choose between classes until half-way through each semester. I don't see why I can't let that kind of variety follow me into my professional life. Maybe I'll end up as a counselor for families and couples, as well as a teacher and a writer and a mom (most importantly). Maybe I won't be the most famous anything, or make the most money in any one area, but through all the different pursuits, I'll keep myself busy, entertained, and making enough money to get by. I know the economy sucks right now, and who knows if we won't all be trading beads in a few years from now. But the point is to have a positive mindset, and to recognize that if I have the right values in place, and my priorities in order, it won't matter whether my family goes on vacations every year or not, or whether I live in a big or small house, or have tons of fancy artwork on the walls (I'd rather have drawings my future kids make for me anyway J). I know I have a good mind, I know I'm motivated to help others, and I have a lot of potential to achieve great things. I guess I'm redefining what I consider to be "great things". I think if I end up being a successful wife and mother, (and puppy-owner,) as well as happy in whatever job(s) I get, in which I will give myself the opportunity to affect the world in small or large ways, I'll have done pretty well for myself. So maybe I'll end up that way, doing lots of odds and ends. I think I need more stability than that, for my own peace of mind, so maybe not to the extent they do it here. But still. I like the idea of it.


 

Thanks for reading! I hope everyone is happy and healthy and doing well.

Love, Shira

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Where’d She Go?

I just spent an hour looking through the pictures on my computer. You know, the ones that are in random folders that you never really look at until one day you do? Sometimes I like to torture myself. I saw a 15-year old girl at Brandeis for a summer, flirting with all the boys and learning how to do her own laundry. I saw an insecure freshman in high school, trying her best to look like she has many friends, and an over-confident senior, ecstatic in the knowledge that she's found a few real ones, yet terrified of losing them. I saw a 19 year old birthday girl, getting drunk with her best friends by pretending to be 21, and getting hit on by the guy she couldn't yet have. I saw a 21 year old, having a beer with her brother. I saw a room, a bed, a living room, a kitchen, an apartment up on 77th and Lex that's empty and full at the same time. I saw a college student, out at parties in skimpy outfits, acting in plays and dressing up for Halloween and trying to be everyone she thought she should be at any given moment, posing for photos she hopes beyond hope will end up tagged on Facebook so that everyone can know how social she is. I saw a world traveler, standing before monuments and vistas and statues, loving the freedom but missing home. I saw a girlfriend, hugging and cuddling and kissing the boy she loves, staring at him with eyes full of adoration and admiration and hope.

I saw family. Parents, siblings, cousins. A baby niece dancing at a bar mitzvah. Family at a graduation, family at a baseball game, family on vacation. Family saying goodbye and 'till we meet again.

Sunsets. Mountains. Deserts. Buildings. Beaches. Classrooms. Airports...

Hands, eyes, blurry backgrounds and foregrounds. Pictures that were taken too quickly or not quickly enough, pictures that scream out, "look how incredible this was!" and pictures that should never have been taken in the first place. Pictures on airplanes and in between sheets, pictures in bathing suits and bridesmaid dresses. In Israel and Poland and Brooklyn and Ireland and Las Vegas and Amsterdam and Rhode Island and Venice and Maryland and Queens and Seattle and Great Neck and the Bahamas and all over Manhattan.

Memories and moments that exist now only as pixilated realities, blobs of color that from far away look like something real, but up close become meaningless dots, desperate to become something more, something physical, something still happening, or if not that, then at least printed onto something tangible. Something that can wear around the edges in an album that grandchildren shuffle through every so often to see what grandma was like when she was their age.

Make me real they beg. Come back, come back, come back. Come back to elementary school and high school and college; come back to this one and that one and this one, last, real love. Come back to last year and last summer and that one last week one last dinner one last kiss. One last click, and they're gone.

So now here I am, living and breathing and three-dimensional, and the pictures are still being taken. They're still getting tagged on Facebook and posted in blogs, still getting stuffed into folders and hidden away until I can go through this all over again in months or years from now. Will I miss these days in quite the same way? Or have I entered some kind of new phase when it all just starts blurring together? Man, it hurts. I sometimes want so badly to just rewind time, and I'm still so young. What happens in 10, 20, 50 years from now? Will it hurt even more? Who am I to miss being younger, when I'm only still just a child myself? I want to live in the moment, but moments pass instantly and then all you end up doing is chasing after the newest ones, trying your best to keep up. I want to live for now, and for my future, but can't I also live for my past sometimes, without feeling like I might fall apart?

It's strange, it's not like I wish I were somewhere else, or someone else, or even someone who I used to be. I just wish I could be everything at once. I wish I could be me now, and me then, and me tomorrow and next year. I want everyone I know and everyone I love and every time I smiled and every place I danced and every dream I chased and every epiphany and growth and trip and experience to be right now and right here. Not like in the Lion King, not living in me. Living with me. Just plain living.

I keep learning here that thought influences emotion. I'm literally sitting in a class right now, and the teacher just said: "The way we think determines the way we feel. Or at least, it should." They tell me to use my mind to challenge my perceptions of reality, to reevaluate and reconsider what I see, what I feel. That what makes us human is our ability to choose, to be active participants in our own lives rather than passive reactors to instinct or environment. That a feeling of sadness or jealousy or hatred, or happiness or thankfulness or love, comes from someplace more sophisticated, someplace worth examining further than the depths of a tissue box. That the greatest type of discovery is that of self. So what about yearning? This tangible pull that sucks me towards these photographs, towards the realities they represent? How do I analyze this one, this gut feeling, this nagging, this wrenching? Should it mean something more to me? Maybe I'm not thinking hard enough. Maybe I'm missing something here. Maybe I'll only find out when I'm old enough to really appreciate the lesson. Either way, sometimes it's nice to let my mind take a vacation; I kind of like swimming around in my heart. It makes for good blog entries.

Oh, well. I guess part of growing up is realizing you can't go backwards, so you may as well start facing forward instead. I guess I'm still growing up.

Love, Shira

PS Sorry for the kind of melancholy tone to this one. Sometimes, you just have one of those days. It's kind of funny how as I'm writing this, all about sadness over change, America is choosing its next president who, presumably, wants to change things in big ways. By the time I wake up tomorrow morning, it'll be a whole new ball game, a new era for America and the world, or so we hope. Those predictor sites say it'll be Obama. Cool. I just hope that whoever wins can inspire the country to grow up a bit. Might be too much to ask. In the end, whoever wins, I think it's up to each individual to make their own decisions, to choose to be happy, to choose to use their circumstances for the good, to not waste their time and energy chasing after things that won't make them better and more fulfilled people, to choose the right paths for themselves and their families and their children. As a collective we choose our leaders, but as individuals we choose the outcome of our own lives in a much bigger way, I think. Eh, what do I know. I'm just a kid. Staring at digital photos. Wishing away.

PPS I didn't manage to get online last night, so now it's the next day, and Obama has indeed lambasted McCain for the win. I'm so proud of America right now. Not just that they picked him -since to be honest, you never really know what will happen, no matter who you put in office - but that they managed to actually pick someone at all. This kind of a landslide victory is an unequivocal decision, one that the country can take credit for if things go well, as well as the blame if things go badly. I still stand by what I said in the PS, that it's up to each individual to determine their own lives. But I think that an election like this one is an indication that people are in the mood to take charge and make things happen, which can only be a good thing. Obama's got a lot of work to do, and he keeps talking about change this, change that, but it takes more than one inspiring figure to create real change. He can get us going, get us excited about it, but it takes the efforts of everyone, in small and in big ways, each one working towards a better life for themselves, and a better world overall. Of course, in order to work for change, you have to first have some idea what kind of a change you want. Maybe that first step needs some more attention. Change: from what? To what? Hopefully we can each figure that out for ourselves, before we make too many more mistakes.

PPPS It has to be said: this whole post was about discomfort over change, in my personal life, in my photos, etc. Then I went off in the PSs about the importance of figuring out what kind of change we want in the world so we can make it happen. Clearly there's a difference, but like I've tried to explain, I think there's also a connection. And I think they go hand in hand: effect change, personally, globally, whatever, but keep that slight discomfort at the same time, that caution. That way, maybe we can keep ourselves in check, as individuals and as members of society. Just a thought.

PPPPS A post-disclaimer: I am entirely unqualified to give advice on anything personal or political, so feel free to disregard everything I said in these PSs if you think it's all silliness. I'm just rambling, after all. I can do that. 'Cuz it's my blog.

PPPPPS Sorry, just one more. Can I just say: Go Obama!!! Israelis aren't so into him so I can't act too excited out loud here. And I'm not one of those Obamania people who kisses the ground he walks on, either. But yeah. I like the guy. I think he has a good heart. I hope he does well and proves all the haters wrong. I hope the country prospers, that he fulfills his promises, that he remembers the needy and the uninsured, that he helps us believe in a better future as well as achieve it, and that he is good to Israel. Amen, Amen, Amen.


 

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Vodka goes well with mystical down-pours. Try it sometime.

Nothing too exciting has been going on, but here’s a recap of what I’ve been up to/thinking about lately.

Last weekend, I went up north to Tzfat for Shabbat. It was really nice up there, although to be honest, I don’t feel that same “mysticality” everyone else seems to. Maybe I’m just not so tapped into these things. I had a conversation with my friend about whether people feel that way there because there is actually something about the place itself, or just because everyone else tells them there is. We concluded it’s a mixture of the two, plus some mountains and high altitudes thrown in. Nevertheless, the air was crisp, the atmosphere joyous, and the views spectacular. I stayed with a family from Denver who have been living here for several years. They have two kids: a 14.5 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. They reminded me so much of me and my brother. It was cute watching them bicker over stupid things.... I kind of miss those days. Actually, maybe not so much. I like being friends with David now. It’s much nicer. Hi, David! I miss you! :)

Anyway, we walked around a lot, slept a lot, ate a lot. A typical Shabbat, with atypical mountainous vistas around every corner. I’ve only ever been to Tzfat with groups, so to be there for a few days with a couple of friends was a totally different experience. I actually got to know the city, rather than just those touristy stops everyone goes to. Saturday night was great – we bought some vodka at a gas station (gotta love Israel!) along with a couple of plastic cups and peach-flavored iced tea, and brought it with us to an outdoor pizza shop, where we proceeded to get a bit drunk while telling each other stories about our years as the unpopular kids (by “we” I mean my friends Yomi and Erika, and myself). They actually got me on video describing my various Purim costumes over the years, and it’s pretty funny – my voice is about 2 octaves higher than usual, and since I haven’t really drank anything in a while, that was actually achieved after only one drink. By the end of the night I think I only had like 2 and a half, and I was falling asleep. After the pizza shop, we walked over to a bon fire some people were having in one of the areas where there are ruins and arches and caves (makes the drunken late-night fun all the more exciting when you’re surrounded by ancient stuff, I think). We hung out with some people we met there, and I had a few really interesting conversations, which happens a lot in this country. I also haven’t been spending too much time around guys, since my seminary is all women and I also just don’t have so much interest at the moment in the opposite sex, (at least not in general terms,) but every now and then its nice to just be chilled out and hang out with girls and guys together, sitting around a bonfire while someone plays guitar and everyone’s feeling calm after a day of resting.

The next day was the apocalypse. At least, it felt that way. It poured, torrentially. I have never seen rain like this anywhere, much less in Israel. The thunder was non-stop, just a constant rolling noise, as if the sky was having a really bad stomach-ache for several hours. Since Tzfat is on top of a mountain, none of the streets are flat. They all wind around, up and down hills, many of them pretty steeply inclined. So we were basically surrounded by rivers and streams, shooting down the streets and threatening to throw us off our feet if we weren’t careful. Luckily, Erika knew a nice Israeli family who took us in and fed us soup and tea. We fell asleep on their couches for a couple hours...I guess we still had to sleep off the fun of the night before. After that, we tried our best to hitch a ride to Tiveria, (the town that sits on the kinerret,) but to no avail. We ended up going back to the family we had stayed with for Shabbat, playing Psychiatrist with their kids, and falling asleep relatively early.

The next day we went to Tiveria by bus, rented bikes, bought some beer and snacks, and biked around the Kinerret. I think this is probably the most beautiful place in Israel. Every city has its charms, and every area of Israel has its natural beauty and meaning. But for me, the kinerret represents total serenity. I just look out over the water, which always seems to have a purplish tint to it, and I feel calm inside. It was also great to get some exercise on those bikes. After riding for a while, we stopped off by the shore to have our beers, and of course moments later it started to pour. We ran for cover underneath a tree, which didn’t really cover us so much, so we ended up soaked. We got some great pictures, though. Luckily, the rain let up after about 15 minutes, and we were able to bike back in good weather. Unfortunately, the clouds messed up the sunset, but that’s alright. I’ve seen it before, and I’ll see it again.

We got back to Jerusalem that night, and the next day we went to the City of David, which is a really cool historical site next to the Old City. I’ve been there before, but this was a different experience, since we had a really incredible guide. I love going on tours, I guess I can be somewhat of a history buff at times. Our guide had inside and out knowledge of the place, especially the archeology of it, and he was telling us about all the recent finds they had. One of them was a clay seal from the times of King David, bearing the name of someone mentioned in Tanach! Apparently they’ve found several of these in one spot, which leads archeologists to think it was a royal mail room or something. So much fun to see history come alive like that, I found that so incredibly cool. They found it this summer! How cool is it that this stuff is still being excavated and discovered every single day here? Ah, Israel.

So then it was time for classes to start up again, and honestly, I am SO glad about that. Vacation is nice, but I’m here to learn, and I really just want to get my focus back in swing again. So far, classes have been great. This term, I am taking the following: Interpersonal relationships, Jewish Philosophy, Breishit, Maharal (a kabbalist/commentator), Midrash (allegorical stories from the Talmud and elsewhere that are full of ethical teachings,) Derech Hashem (a famous philosophical work about G-d,) and a couple of one-on-one sessions I set up, to learn Kuzari and Rambam. I’ve only been back for 2 days, but so far, good times. The days are quite long, but it doesn’t feel like it. I love learning for its own sake, rather than for a grade. It’s just so freeing, and I can concentrate in the best way.

This Shabbat, I stayed at a Rabbi’s house who I am basically a bit obsessed with. I think I mentioned him in an earlier post. His name is Daniel Katz, and he was the one who taught those classes I went to with Ezra over the summer about logic and faith. He’s a really cool guy, with very deep insight and knowledge, and also happens to be extremely funny and personable. His wife is also very nice, and he has two cute kids to play with. It was great staying at his house, since the only contact I had had with him was on a more teacher-student level, and this time it was all very real, and I could relate to him as a human being, and really get to know what he’s like on a personal level. We talked for a long time about many things, including some of my own personal issues going on, and he definitely helped me clarify some of my confusions and worries. Obviously no single conversation is going to figure out my life, but it’s good to keep building, keep talking, keep getting advice from lots of people who I trust. At first I was nervous to call him up, since he’s pretty well-known and I just thought maybe I wasn’t worthy or something, but it was definitely a good decision. It’s like going up to the professor after a class, except this time it involves questions about life and happiness rather than a question about my mid-term, and I get yummy meals and a bed to sleep in rather than a grade. Anyway, anyone looking for someone awesome to chat with about things, give this guy a call. (or an email since it’s expensive for you all to call Israel.  ) I highly recommend it. I’ve been meeting with several people, actually, just to chat and think about life. A couple of days ago, I even got to talk to a rabbi who I know from Meor, (the organization that runs the Maimonides program at Penn as well as the Israel trip that I came on this summer,) who has been living in Chicago and was only here to visit for a few days. We talked about how there is no point to being religious if someone doesn’t enjoy themselves and want to be doing it. It’s so true – if someone doesn’t love what they are doing (which doesn’t mean it’s never difficult, btw,) then why do it? I agree with that wholeheartedly, and I’ve been trying to live by it. There are many things that I’ve considered taking on since I’ve been here, but if I try something out and I feel unhappy, then I stop. That doesn’t mean that with time I won’t grow to enjoy something that right now doesn’t speak to me, but I’ll let time decide that, rather than push myself to be someone I’m not right now. I think that’s a much healthier way to go, in all realms, not just Judaism. The trick is not to confuse difficulty with unhappiness. If something is difficult for me, I first try and figure out why. If it’s because I don’t understand it, then I learn more about it, and usually come to see the beauty and applicability of the concept. If it’s because it triggers something emotional within me, then I deal with that issue on a deeper level within myself, and try to work out what it’s based on. And if it’s just that I am simply unhappy with it, then I leave it alone, and focus on other things instead. So far, that’s been working for me.

So, that’s been life for the past week or so. It’s been getting very cold here, lately. Who knew, Israel gets cold! We don’t start getting heat until it’s much colder, though, so right now I’m sleeping under three blankets and in a sweatshirt and sweatpants and sometimes my onesie on top, and a hat. Also, our hot water decided to stop working, so I’ve been either taking cold showers, or going to my friend’s place. Yeah, I’m slumming it a bit. But it’s really making me realize how relatively unimportant my surroundings are, as long as I’m involving myself in the right things, and using my time well. Who cares if it’s cold, so long as I have the right clothing to wear, the right people to hang around, and the right ways to pass the time? I’m usually the first one to complain about the temperature, but lately, things like that just aren’t phasing me. It feels good to be able to say that. I hope I can stay that way...it’ll make the materially hard times in life much easier, I think.

Time for bed. Layla Tov, blogosphere. I’ll post pictures at some point later.

Love, shira

PS you may have noticed I blocked comments on the last post after my final comment – sorry if that confused anyone, I just wanted to be able to go up north without missing anything. They work again now. (if it happens again, just assume I felt that I wanted that thread to end for whatever reason, and it’ll work again by my next post.)

PPS Have fun voting! Put the right man in office! Go, team!