“Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what he loves.” - Blaise Pascal

The last week or so has been a bit rollercoastery, though somehow at the moment I feel incredibly calm. I spent some time looking through old emails, which always brings on a weird sense of nostalgia, pain, confusion, identification with a former self who was so vulnerable and afraid... I realized how much stronger and happier I am now, and I am so thankful that I've had the opportunity to gain this sense of stability. It's still somewhat strange to read emails in which I was so desperate, so weak, so sad, so dependent on other people, and to identify with that girl as if I were reading a novel about a character I had never met before. I suppose everyone goes through their late adolescent struggles, their insecure times, but the contrast is just so huge at this point, I can barely remember what it felt like to be so unsure about everything and everyone around me. Oddly enough, I started feeling a strange yearning for those days, even though they were so unhealthy and confused. Maybe there was a certain comfort to the unknown, even as it terrified me. I didn't have to make any decisions, as long as I kept myself paralyzed. At least now I know the joy that comes with security, and with clarity. Not that anything is truly solid - things can change in an instant. But still, it's nice to be able to know myself this well. More on that in a moment.

I went to Tzfat for Shabbat with a few friends of mine, right after I had read all of those depressing emails. It was a nice breather. The mountains have this effect of washing away latent pain, especially on Shabbat, when this blanket of calm descends and the only sounds you hear are families singing together. (I can't wait for my family to sing together again...) There's an ancient cemetery there, still in operation, with some of the great kabbalists' graves. It's on the side of a mountain, so it's a pretty gorgeous place. We went to that, and my friends said some Tehillim (psalms) next to a few graves while I stood and looked out at the world. It was beautiful. Cemeteries are not the place to go have a good time, (contrary to those weirdos who like to frequent them for kicks...coughMomcough...:)) but they do help with the whole perspective thing.

I have some thoughts to write out, and this blog will have to do. I've tried journaling, but theres something about public writing that I like better. Maybe it just forces me to try and make sense. Who knows. Anyway, if you're among those who just want to know what I've been up to, stop reading here.

It feels like these days, life is so much about the future. I'm in this transition moment, where the decisions I make will determine the rest of my life. And not in the way they tried to make me believe was the case when I was applying to college, and not in the way I felt when I was studying for finals. This time, it's in a very, very real way. I'm here, on the cusp, ready and waiting to move forward. But there are so many things to consider, so many people involved, so many ways I could affect myself and others. I used to feel overwhelmed by that. Now, I feel almost empowered. I feel like this responsibility, this pressure to know who I am and who I want to be, to be for myself but not only for myself, to be the greatest possible me I can, is the most invigorating pressure there is. It all depends on perspective. If I cringe in fear, if I become paralyzed by the what ifs, and the collective voices surrounding me telling me what to do and where to go and who to be, I can only fail. But if I recognize the freedom I have to be my own person, as well as the freedom others have as well, and that in the end, there are no wrong paths, then I can only feel happy and excited about the position I find myself in. That doesn't mean it's not nerve wracking. But it's like the feeling you get before playing the big game, rather than the feeling you get before tight roping over a pit of fire. I know I can and will succeed. I know that if I fail in minor ways along the way, that's not what will matter in the end. I know my future is bright, and that the hard times that feel like stumbling blocks are precisely the times when I will know myself best, when the strength I have built within myself will truly come through and bring me to a better place than I was in before, or than I would have been without that challenge. I know I'm speaking somewhat ambiguously here, but anyone who knows me well can apply these words to practical considerations. Anyone who doesn't, hopefully they can ring true for you in some other way.

There's a question as to whether it is best to live in the moment, or live towards a future goal. I think the answer is neither, and both. It depends. Sometimes the best thing of all is to live day by day, doing what feels best right then, taking what you need from life. And sometimes the best thing is to look beyond yourself, your current station in life, and consider, am I the best I can be? It's different for each person, and its different in each stage of growth and in each situation. At the moment, I do have that future vision in mind. I know I can keep growing, keep becoming this person I am learning to love so much, and keep striving towards my goals and dreams. By tomorrow I may have to live day by day again to get my bearings back. And that's fine, and I'd welcome that challenge, maybe even appreciate the breathing room it affords. I guess it's just a matter of awareness. No one else can tell you which way is best. We all just have to know our needs, and live accordingly. Not try to force ourselves into some paradigm another person lives by or lays out for us, not try to become someone or something we are not. Of course the only way to be true to oneself is to know who oneself is...but I'm going in circles now.

We just had an amazing class about the song that the Jews sang as they left Egypt. More specifically, we learned about what song is, what Shira means. I've written about my name before, but at the moment I'm loving it even more. We learned that at the moment after the splitting of the sea, the Jewish people had complete and total clarity: and that's precisely the moment when they broke out in song, in Shira. Song comes when we are feeling such joy that we can no longer contain ourselves, and Rashi says that their song came directly from their hearts, because when you are truly happy, your heart (your deepest emotional center,) can be heard loudest. And when are we most happy? When we are sure of ourselves. When we are free from doubt. When the fog clears, and the waters split, and the answers are staring us in the face. It's rare to have moments like that in life - I've felt it a couple of times lately, and it certainly does make me want to sing. But usually we are in that fog, and we are in the sea, and we are confused and unsure and doubtful. That doesn't have to be a sad time, but certainly the moment when you come out of it feels that much more refreshing and incredible. So that's when Shira comes in. And that's my name, and I think that's pretty cool. I wish for all of you that you have moments of clarity in life, when everything around you fits, and when you don't have to doubt yourself, even a little bit. I wish myself that, too. But we're not going to all get those miracles, those moments when everything is just revealed from on high or from within or from wherever you believe it may come from. I'm sure many people reading this don't even think those moments really exist. But for those who do, I think we have to find it for ourselves. We have to give ourselves the space we need, and recognize when we need it. We have to believe in ourselves enough to know that the doubt can and will be temporary, and the difficult choices can and will be made, and we can know ourselves completely, if only we make the effort to do so.

Anyway I've typed a lot, and I'm sure many who read this will just write it off as wishy washy or something like that. I'm fine with that. I just wanted to get it out.

Also, I'd like to make a plea for everyone to pray for the well-being of my laptop. It has contracted some sort of disease, and has been in the ICU for the past couple of days. The doctors say it doesn't look good, but I still have faith.

Loveeee you all.

Love, shira

PS I opened up comments again. Go carazy.